Saturday, September 27, 2008

I have vision...

and the rest of the world wears bifocals. Rest in peace, Paul Newman. Thanks for being a hero in my eyes.

Anyway, reflection time.

Friday...aliens. As much as science fiction writers would disagree with me, I feel like aliens have been discussed to exhaustion, or at least to the point of reluctance to care.

So I'll reflect on something else, that is entirely relevant, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been thinking about this, but may be one of the only ones to actually say something about it.

I have no idea how I'm doing in this class. None, whatsoever. Which, to be honest, is a little (very) frightening. The problem, I feel, is because how the class is structured is so subjective. Essentially, every single aspect of the class, from in class discussions, to both blog posts we can do a week, everything is just our opinions. While there is nothing wrong with opinions, the normal day-to-day goings on in this class rest on our ability to express our opinions. I personally think that I am good at expressing my opinions, but who knows? Maybe in this class, I'm not. It isn't then, that I don't have good ideas, it is that I can't adequately express them, be it in written or verbal form, and as such, my grade rests on the idea of me being able to convince some higher power (PTJ) that my ideas aren't as primitive as my words may make them seem.

Another problem, and this is a problem that isn't really resolvable, but simply exists, is in-class discussions. Let's say I'm raising my hand, waiting of the ball in order to be granted the permission to speak. Then, for whatever reason, the ball doesn't come to me, whether it is because there were many hands up, or someone else hadn't spoken in a longer time than I, or little plays of society taking place, and the conversation continues to evolve. During that time, my point, which a few minutes ago, becomes completely irrelevant, and then the ball is suddenly in my hand and, by the mere fact that the conversation has moved on from my thoughts, my thoughts suddenly seem out of place, rudimentary, and completely unimportant in this new level of discussion. And it isn't that I haven't been listening to what's been going on since my thought popped into my head, but it is that I believed my thought deserved to be voiced, and I may suffer as a result of me voicing it at too late a time. Yes, you could always just tuck that thought away into some pocket in your mind, post it later in your reflection, but sometimes, that simply isn't what you want to do, because maybe you don't want to reflect on that idea.

It isn't even that this could be a simple solution of going in and talking to PTJ. Once again, if I couldn't express my opinions sufficiently to begin with, how could one really be told how to do so? It isn't a solution of "talk more". Is it a solution of "talk better"? How do I "talk better" then?

I'm sure some people will say this is all just a microcosm of world politics, a intricate play on how politics and society works.

I'll say though, that this is my grade, and as such, it is one of the determining factors in whether I stay here, or whether I'll be going somewhere else (read: San Francisco State) next year. (I hate this economy.)

Simply, this is a class dependent on how I express myself, and I'm terrified my thoughts aren't good enough.

Was that clear?

[Apologies for any snarkiness in advance. Snarkiness isn't a word...but it describes what I mean very well. And snarkiness isn't intentional, just an unfortunate by product of me being frustrated at my cluelessness.]

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